People Pleasing & Hustling for Approval.
We hustle when we feel inadequate or that we need approval. This strategy usually develops in our early years.
In work we prove ourselves when we have a niggling fear of being inadequate and we have learned we gain positive feedback when we do. We also hustle if we are in a highly critical environment or blame orientated. Whether now or when we were much younger.
Hustling is always an external reaction to feeling inadequacy.
Statements like the ones below can start to shape how we see our values, in younger years.
- "Isn't she so grown up?"
- "You are such a good boy for helping mummy"
- "Look at how smart he/she is"
- "She is the funny one"
- "They never cause any trouble"
- "she is always messing things up"
- "Why can't you ever just get on with things"
- "Don't be so ............"
Mostly castaway statements, some harmless in essence and well intended and yet can still reinforce an idea of who we can be disapproving of the opposite is also present. It helps us figure out quickly what is wanted from us and what will get us approval. During a time when we heavily rely on the feedback of the adults around us.
When we spend our time validating ourselves with behaviours or remaining within a dysfunctional role, we tend to get stuck in a cycle of proving and doing, rather than being and excelling
We tend to lose any sense of our worth and boundaries, the more we hustle.
When we hustle for approval, validation or acknowledgement especially at work we send out a very unconscious and clear message that we do not believe in ourselves, value ourselves, input or boundaries. AND that how others value us and feel about us, is dominate and a priority.
We say yes when we need to say no. We invite others to make requests of us that are beyond our role, availability and mostly though stretch us to the point where we pay for it personally!
We feel guilt and shame for our needs, requests and way of being or feeling. We believe that where we lack skills, we are deeply inadequate and we believe that doing more will allow us to be respected and loved more.
When often it really teaches others to de-value our contribution and strengths. We teach others how to treat us. So the real question is ...
What are you teaching others about how to treat you?
When we are hustling for basic needs such as being seen, validated and approved of, we make work a place to fulfil very personal unmet needs of approval. Needs that often need understanding and fulfilling personally, rather than professionally! We murky up the waters and pay the price of it with our self-worth or self-respect.
Often we are unconsciously motivated by this desire for approval, on a more primal level all the acceptance feelings equate to the primal sense of belonging or love. Survival. Our sense of survival will always kick in when we don't feel safe within ourselves or relationships. How can we feel safe in the world if our relationship with ourself says "My Value is Only Equated To What Others Approve Of In ME"
Learning to accept ourselves as we are, others as they are, play to our strengths and allow people to feel how they do about us, without needing us to morph into what they want us to be is a road to recovery.
Managing someone judging us, or disliking the choices we make can be far more empowering than the moment of acceptance we get from this hustle.
We shift this default through coming home to ourselves, understanding our relationship dynamics, what our needs are and what we need to do differently. Through these changes we surround ourselves with supportive people, we have a stronger sense of self and we give less power to others. We stop the hustle and move towards our own flow and being.
Then when we find ourselves hustling again, we compassionately remind ourselves of our worth and shift into more self-respecting and effective actions.
If this affects you and you feel ready to work on it, book a free coaching consultation asap!